Ask an Old Trindadian Guy

My boyfriend’s birthday is coming up, he says he wants an iPod. What kind should I get him? A nano? A touch? a regular one?
Paris, Beverly Hills, CA

This is a good question. One of my girlfriends always be talking about her iPod and how much she loves it. She plugged it into a computer, loaded up the iTunes and said “pick anything you want” and so I started looking, and looking, and looking. How much Soca did I find? NONE. So I took that thing and threw it on the ground, how much Soca came out? None. So I took that girl to a soca club that night and we did it proper. But she got me thinking – how can I get soca in digital form? I need soca every day. So I found some internet websites that feature soca mixes and a local neighborhood kid adds it to my Microsoft Zune. Then I went to the track, and beamed some songs to some white kids, and they went nuts. They gave me $10 to bet, and I flipped that into $100. Then I poured a beer on one of the kids for calling Machel Montano a “fag”. Two things I hate: homophobia from white kids and disrespect to Soca.

How would you improve current generation MP3 Players?
Bill, Seattle, WA.
Easy:
1. Racing Information beamed directly to my device
2. Songs play when my picks win (Big Truck for every victory!)
3. Songs play when I lose (Power of Love by Celine Dion)
4. Somehow use the MP3 to change my phone number to avoid calls from women I don’t want to deal with any more
5. Dispenses hot sauce
6. Ability to turn single teeth into gold
7. Doubles as a credit (someone else’s credit card)
8. Preloaded with 15 gb of Soca Jams.

lead singer of thunderbox (seagal) at Hastings!!!!

A reminder that Steven Seagal of Thunderbox fame (see below) will be at Hastings Park in Vancouver on Saturday

Here’s the race card

Feature race is the $50,000 Senate Appointee Stakes, the big 1-1 favorite is Holy Nova, I saw her race earlier this year and she is definately out of place in Hastings. She’s trained by Hasting’s top trainer Troy Taylor and will have top jock Mario Gutierrez. However just for fun I’ll go out on a limb here and take Taylor’s other horse Lady Raj (the 1 horse) at 10-1 and the two horse Napa at 5 to 1. But I’ll have to go over the DRF and take a visit to the paddock before doing this. Anyways if she kills it hopefully Holy Nova will garduate to Woodbine and maybe someday run in a race like the 300K Nassau Stakes, which is the 6th race tomorrow in the Tdot. Look for the fav Sealy Hill, owned by Ottawa Sens owner Eugene Melnyk to lose this one

GO LEAFS!!!

Regardless I’ll have a good time as I’ll be rocking out to Thunderbox on my Microsoft Zune

Ask an Old Trinidadian Guy

Should I bet on Big Brown to win the Belmont?
Kristin in Vancouver

This is a good question. I would not bet big. I think Casino Drive has a good shot at winning this. But if you base your bets off names, I was known as Big Brown when I was younger and I was undefeated. Think about it. My pick, based on pure Trini Instincts: Tale of Ekati.

Roti or Jerk?
Kyle in Boston
Man, EASIEST ANSWER EVER. Roti, all the way. White people are eating jerk left and right, they also love saying “jerk” which kind of ruins it for everyone. You can buy jerk spices at whole foods, but no rotis yet. Then again, is this question what I think is best, or what’s best for you? Based on your name and location, I would guess you would want some lean jerk chicken and a mango salsa. Screw Bobby Flay.

How do you feel about Michael from the Wire, starring in the new 90210?
Katrina in Tampa
Disappointment is not a big enough word. It’s like when Smarty Jones failed to win the Belmont in 2004. In both cases, I had invested a lot of hope and time into something only to have it let me down and make my life significantly worse. Making things even worse, I would have STRONGLY preferred the casting of Chris Brown – he showed his acting chops on the OC. Do you remember that? bo!

divine park very fast

everyone knows who Big Brown is, but very few people knew that of the fastest horses Divine Park and Commentator, raced yesterday at Belmont Park in the Met Handicap. Compare the top Beyer speed figures this year:

Big Brown ran 110 in the Kentucky Derby, but Divine Park ran 111 and Commentator ran a huge 119

Anyways Divine Park came out on top paying a decent 6.50 over the favorite Commentator.

take a wild guess who bet online on Divine Park

yep

Ask an old Trinidadian Guy

Who would win in a race, Big Brown or Marion Jones in her prime?
Kevin in Edmonton

This is an excellent question. Having looked into Marion Jones’s mouth, I can confirm that she would make it a close race. But it would depend on the surface; are they running on grass? concrete? the beach (most erotic option)? Perhaps a better question is about who had better muscle definition. And the answer is obvious: Big Brown. So I need more details before I can give you answers and odds. Also, who do you think you are presenting me a race with only 2 participants? Who is going to show in this race? Me? Get it together and send in a proper question next time. Add another horse, or Ben Johnson (not guilty) or Donovan Bailey.


My boyfriend called me fat the other day, should I dump him?
Amy in Belmont
Yes. He can’t handle a real woman, he be looking for a girl with bones and tings. I am usually at the Woodbine Racetrack at around 3:00 p.m. every day. I cannot promise a long term relationship, but I can guarantee that I will treat you how a woman should be treated in the men’s bathroom of Woodbine. There is a 30% chance you will be impregnated, at that point, you should get back together with your boyfriend.

What the hell is a Tobago?
Jorden in Kelowna
A Tobago is the worst insult you can call someone. A Tobago means that you are a crap soccer player who gets to play on the team with the GLORIOUS Trinidadians, who gets our tax money, who gets our culture and contributes nothing. It is embarassing, and as an insult should only be dropped in the most essential of times. Like when your jockey pussies up in the last stretch, then you can call him a Tobago.

You should know many dumb people will make a joke that it’s some sort of sled. If someone busts this on you, punch them in the stomach. They earned it.

Do you have any personal problems or concerns or general questions about life? If so ask the old Trinny for advice by posting comments or emailing socawarrior2000@gmail.com

PBS and VOTST calculations

Just like the jerkstores at The Society for American Baseball Research, I too like to make up new statistics that back up my claims. So while everyone spent their Memorial Day watching the Jays Royals game, I met with a group of virgins and nerds, uhhh I meant mathematicians, to finalize my new Horse betting formulas.

Guys who helped me with my formula

Please note the use of the term “Horse Betting” as opposed to “Handicapping” because I have two legs.

At the end of each weekend my time at the track will be justified through:

PBS – PONY BETTING SALARY (Amount of money I would’ve earned yearly if all my time was devoted to horse betting)

And

VOTST (Value Of Time Spent at Track)

Both of these combine to create an index figure called “Devoted Energy Gambling Everything and Not Enjoying life RATE” also know as DEGENERATE

Here is how PBS is calculated

Total Profit Earned \ Hours Spent at the Track = Y

Y x 40 = Z

Z x 52 = PBS

Later on I will try and factor in benefits and stock options into the equation but we decided to keep it simple for now

So for this past weekend here were my total 3 day earnings

Emerald Downs: 74.20 (FRI 29.90 SAT -0.25 SUN 44.55)
Hollywood Park: 214.30 (FRI 87.35 AT 127.95 SUN -1.00)
Hastings: 50.20 (SAT 4.00 SUN 46.20)

Total Weekend Profit: 338.70 (my calculations from yesterday was $1 off)
Time Spent at Track: 15 hours (FRI 4 hours SAT 5 hours SUN 6 hours)

Y = 22.58

22.58 x 40 = 903.2
903.2 x 52 = 46, 966

Therefore my PBS is 46,966 That would be my yearly salary in Canadian dollars if I devoted all my time towards Horse Betting. Not bad eh!

Here is how VOTST is calculated, now this formula is a little bit more complicated and I would be shot if I revealed all of it.

Basically its my total profit earned at the track over money spent on other things that don’t involved betting or N

So here is how I would’ve spent my money over hanging out at the track

FRIDAY

Semi decent bottle of wine 12.00
New Pack of Candles 2.50
Renting Season 1 of Sex and the City to prep for the release of the movie 12.00
Paying a someone to rent it for me to save embarrassment 5.00
Paying that person not to tell anyone else 20.00
Pop Corn 1.00

SATURDAY

Groceries 25.00
Hanging out at a Commercial Drive coffee shop to look cool and people watch 4.00
Buying cleaning supplies for my apartment 20.00
Starting UFC pre-drinking at 2 pm 15.00
Eating Lunch and Dinner 15.00
Also with more time on my hands I would’ve asked my friend Phil to watch UFC at Edgewater Casino instead of the bar close to the track, after UFC I would’ve played poker there and probably lost about 300.00
Cab ride home from Casino 15.00

SUNDAY

Expensive Brunch with jerk friends $25
Ceasars to get over hangover $20
Renting Season 2 of Sex and the City 12.00 (by this point I don’t need someone to rent it for me)
Bottle of Wine at off-sales because liquor stores are closed 20.00

Therefore If I was not at track my pocket would have 483.50 less dollars, instead I earned 338.70

Meaning my value spent at the track was worth $822.20 and that is my VOTST rating for this weekend

DEGEN – RATE Index calculation revealed next later

Ask an old Trinidadian guy

Will Sex and The City have a better weekend gross than Iron Man and
Indiana Jones?
Leslie, Lexington

This is a tough questions. Firstly, I only watch bootlegs on VHS so everyone I know will not be contributing to the box office totals. Next, Indiana Jones is rugged! He’s old but he’s got a whip just like me, and he solves pure problems. But then again, I was really into Iron Man because Robert Downey Jr. is so talented. So I think Indiana Jones will probably win.

What the hell is Sex and the City?

I think Candance Parker is pretty, but a friend told me she’s looks
exactly like her brother Raptors guard Anthony Parker, does this mean
that I am gay?
Matty, Madrid

This is an excellent question. When I was 15 years old I was dating a woman named Isabelle, she was not the finest lady on the island. She was a little fat, had a cockeye, and she was missing a tooth. Later on, as our relationship progressed, I found out that she slept with my friend Dexter. Also, she was a man and I was not so into that. But then I realized that aside from cheating on me and having a penis, she treated me right. Certainly better than my ex-girfriend (named NOBODY), so my answer is to be attracted to whatever you want, man, woman, goat. It’s your life, your passions, and your gay instincts.

What is your favorite color?

Craig, Toronto

Man this is the toughest question ever. It all depends, as a rule I love the color green because it is the color of American money and Canadian 20s. But when Caribana comes around I love red and orange for my mesh tank tops. Then you got the red and black of the Trini flag. So hard. But my answer is: whatever color my jockey is wearing when he wins. Least favorite color? whatever color he’s wearing when he loses.

may 25: daymaker too cool

Decent day at the track today. I choose corn beef on rye as opposed to the buffet and I made well informed picks and did not need a lucky longshot to stay on the plus side of the profit margin

For the stat nerds:

cbrye X nls – buffet = 89.75

Bet stats from May 25/08

HOLLYWOOD PARK

3 for 8 (bets hit / races bet on)
total profit: -1.00

Two stakes races today, the Willard Proctor and the Cinderella Stakes, both for 2 year olds. For those who don’t follow horse racing, stakes are basically the top races and 2 year old racing is basically like the NBA Rookie Game. Going into the Cinderella Stakes (the 8th race) I had only hit 1 of 6 bets, one of my picks got scratched. Went with the clear cut favorite Trifecta King (weird to have the name “King” for a filly) and she killed it paying 5.00, my $10 bet brought back 25.50. I then took the favorite in the last race and it helped me recover my losses.

EMERALD DOWNS

3 for 5
total profit: 44.55 (only bet on 5 races)

On the weekends I prep about an hour on Hollywood and Hastings and only bet on the odd Emerald if I’m bored in between races. With these races I just do a quick 10 minute glance at the entries but looks like this works; going into Sunday I was hitting 50% of my bets. Best win came in the 8th when I hit a $50 dollar exactor. I couldn’t decide between 3 horses so I just EX Box’d them for a $38 profit

HASTINGS

4 for 10
total profit: 46.20

My two picks of the day were on Daymaker in the 5th race and Paulswithdavid in the 7th. Both ridden by Hasting’s top jockey Mario Gutierrez, who wins 34% of his races. I was 0 for 4 going into the 5th and down $47 after some dumb bets, but I was confident with Daymaker. Mario was also 0 for 4 and with 6 more races to go, he was due for a win. I went to take a look at Daymaker in the paddock and was good to go. This was her first race and she had some decent workouts and the top jockey, but more important was that fact that her daddy was 2000 Kentucky Derby Winner Fusaichi Pegasus .

Hastings is the equivalent of a AA ball park and the Kentucky Derby is the Majors. A KD daughter rarely ends up at Hastings. Its basicaly like having a rich girl from the Upper West side of Manhattan attend a social function in Vancouver: SHE’S COOLER AND BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE . That and something was sketchy with her carrying 5lbs more than everyone else in the race. Suprised but very happy to see her underbet, she cruised in for a 4 length victory and paid an unexpected 7.10 for the win. Daymaker is owned by Swift Thoroughbreds and I overheard them talking about this horse. The people from Swift look very rich, they drink a lot of wine in their box, bring their kids and wear nice clothes. They look like powerful people, I wish they would adopt me

I stuck with Mario and he went on to hit the 7th and 8th, giving me a decent 46.20 total profit, much better than the 4.00 turned in on Saturday

Daymaker’s daddy at the 2000 Kentucky Derby

If these people went to a dinner party in vancouver they would be better than everyone else

Total Sunday Profit: 89.75
10 for 23 .434

Total Weekend Profit: 339.70
24 for 50 .480
average bet per race: $10.20

Also tonight I will be talking to a panal of mathematicians discussing two new formulas I have come with

Value of Time Spent at Track (VOTST)

and

Salary If Full Time Job was Devoted to Horse Betting (SIFTJDHB)

may 24 hollywood race 7

Everything thing that could go wrong, went wrong until the 7th race at Hollywood Park. First off on the warmest day of the year I decided to wear a dinner coat and jeans, after that I chose the buffet at the track over breakfast on the menu.

As for the races they were even worse:

0 for 2 Emerald Downs
$20 in the hole after two races, I decided to focus on LA and Van City

1 for 6 at Hollywood Park
my only win bringing a profit of 1.50

2 for 8 at Hastings
I thought I had hit a sweet 8 to 1 shot in the 7th race with the 8 horse Sheisrough. However after an inquiry she was DQ’d from 1st to 5th. Not my day

Sheisrough DQ’d from 1st to 5th

So on the 7th race in Hollywood I put a simple $2 WPS bet on the 8 horse Thrust, a son of A.P. Indy. A.P. Indy has a 300K stud fee and is the father of Rags to Riches, a personal fav of mine as I hit big with her at the Belmont Stakes last year. So I do have a slight bias towards his progeny. Thrust was 53 to 1 but with a decent owner and trainer, I figured why not. My mind was set on the B.J. Penn fight by now anyway.

At the start of the race Thrust did not want to go into the gate. I was happy that at least I’d get my $6 back if the trainer pulled him out but he didn’t.

It took a good five minutes and about three grounds crew guys to get him into the gate. He managed to get in and looked a bit wild but then at the final turn he made a huge wide turn and it looked like he might at least get in to show.

Then the weirdest thing happened, the top two horses suddenly just fell, and Thrust came in for the victory. See chart below

My $6 WPS bet ended up paying over 150.00,

This fluke hit not only covered my losses but put confidence back in my picks as I was able to hit the next race at Hollywood, the next race at Hastings (a place bet on an up and coming new jockey) and before I left to meet my friends for UFC I hit the 8th race at Emerald.

Total Profit / Hit Bet HB for Each Race
Hollywood 127.95 3for8
Emerald -0.25 1for3
Hastings 4.00 4for9

Thrust was a Longshot fluke, but he boosted my morale and I made informed picks on the next 3 races and hit them. Hopefully I won’t need to rely on a once in a lifetime LS to bail me out of a hole

Waverly Avenue the horse that was in the lead but fell, broke its leg pretty bad and had to be ethunized. I tried to look for articles about this but I only found one. I guess its only trendy fore PETA to complain during Triple Crown Races.

Ask an old Trinidadian Guy

In this feature to Pimlico Parking Lot, users can write in with questions for the old Trinidadian guy who hangs out at Woodbine Racetrack.

First Question
“I have been in a committed relationship for a year, but things have been getting weird. My girlfriend has been cheating on me with my sister and my best friend, and I’m pretty sure once with my father. Last week when she dropped me off at the track, she sort of implied that she doesn’t love me any more. What should I do?”
Lonely in Inglewood, CA

Answer:
You are serious with me? You even have to ask a question to me about this situation. I have dated over fifty women and I have learned a few things. First, you are the man. Do not forget that. Second, she DROVE you to the track? I take the god forsaken TTC out to the track from Etobicoke. It takes me 2.5 hours. I don’t care if she’s sleeping around, she’s better than a bus and I would stay with her. If not, I will marry this woman and move to California provided she continues to drive me to the track.

Question 2:
“I think I have herpes, should I get tested? Second part, should I tell my partner about the possibility?”
Benji, Glendale, CA

Answer
#1 How is this my problem?
#2 How is this your problem?